• Being told you weren’t good enough.
    • Never seeing a barbie that looked like you growing up.
    • Buying crayons and seeing flesh (therefore human) represented as a peachtone. Our skin usually represents dirt or grime.
    • Growing up with you hair pressed or braided, so you hardly even knew what the texture of it was.
    • Oh you’re pretty for a black being the best thing you will ever hear about your looks.
    • Having your mom tell you to avoid the sun, so you don’t get dark, therefore saying you can’t afford to get any worse.

    Black Beauty. Black Womanhood. Black Femininity. Hell, just BLACK. It’s a certain type of resilience that doesn’t exist anywhere else.

    So if I overload yall with pictures of beautiful black women, don’t mind me. But the beauty is more than just aesthetics. There’s a story and a fight and a struggle behind it.

    Ask any black woman whether she’s ever questioned her beauty and worthiness, and I guarantee most, if not all will give you a reluctant yes. A yes that has been reinforced time after time by television, movies, billboards, dating, magazines, family, friends, schoolmates. A yes that has been passed down from generation to generation and is a calculated, systematic ideal. It’s more than just “I don’t feel pretty today”. It’s more like “everyone and everything for the past several centuries has made it clear to me that I am the least desirable of anyone on Earth”. 

    To overcome that says a lot, to say “no, actually fuck you, I’ll be black and fabulous with or without your consent” is a testament .. and I am more than honored that on my blog. 

…I ain’t saying she a gold digger.


When I was younger I believed in unconditional love. I dated guys with empty pockets, stingy ass dudes who would rather pretend to be broke than loan their mother ten bucks…but it didn’t matter to me. Everything I have and ever wanted, I bought with my own money. So whether a guy spent money on me or not, had a good car or not, or lived with his parents at the age of 30, I wasn’t bothered. Instead I believed in ‘building with my man’. The naïve little girl in me actually believed that ‘if you are with a man when he has nothing, he will always remember you when he has something.’

… Fast forward a couple of years, throw in the speed bumps and punches of life, I’m now a completely different person. Well, maybe not totally different, just wiser, smarter and not ashamed to say so. From now on before I date a guy he must pass the financial acid test…good job, good car, nice flat, generous, w/ dollops of ambition & drive! Gone are the days where I was fasting and praying for a man to buy his first car only for him to put another woman in the front seat of my own car!. Haba!!! my mother didn’t raise no fool!

…I’ll fast and pray with you for that promotion, while the AC of your current car is blowing on my face. I’ll get up and seek the Lord early in the morning for your salary increase when I’ve recovered from our romantic getaway to Paris or St Tropez. I’ll cook the best tasting efo riro soup & peppered snails known to man while I’m in our fully fitted kitchen and furnished home. I’ll hold your hand through all of life’s ups and downs as you treat me like the princess I deserve to be, whilst proving to me that you were raised by a queen. If all ths makes me a gold digger, then I’ll say it loud…I Am a proud one!!!

This was written by a very wise friend of mine, Miss B.

Kanye’s ex, Alexis Pfifer finally retorts to Amber Rose’s jabs.

imageIn an interview featured in the upcoming issue of Vibe magazine Alexis finally speaks up on life after Kanye, the designer also addresses Amber Rose’s shade.

Whats her name again?

I believe that you get what you want out of a situation and Kanye will tell you, that I didn’t [want that attention]. It’s weird. I’ll get on the red carpet and over-criticize myself. I don’t want that attention. She wanted that and that’s what she got out of it. But if I want to go to King magazine right now and be in a sexy bathing suit I’m sure I’d generate some type of interest. It’s just the decisions you make that put you where you are. She is where she’s at because that’s where she wants to be and I’m where I’m at because that’s where I want to be also. I was kind of like “Girl please.” I just laughed that off, brushed that one right off my shoulders. She doesn’t really know what she’s saying, so I can’t even be mad at her. She doesn’t even know the half.

Read more: Kanye’s Ex Alexis Talks Amber Rose: “I Didn’t Want That Attention” | Necole

Vocalist, Alicia Keys speaks on womens empowerment during the United Nations’ conference on AIDS in NYC. The topic at hand was “HIV Priorities for Positive Change: In Women’s Words”…I won’t tarnish her positive humanitarian works with any negative commentary on her personal life but ummmmm I’m not sure a homewrecker is the first person I would think to go to for advice in relation to Women’s Empowerment.

Spotted: 6.7.2011 Nigeria’s Head of state, Goodluck Johnathan addresses the UN Security Council ‘Impact of HIV/AIDS epidemic on international peace and security’. This is just one of many stops the President will make whilst in the US…today[6.8.11], he met with President Obama and tomorrow[6.9.2011], he’ll be meeting with former US president, Bill Clinton to launch the Global Plan for the Elimination of HIV mother-to-child-transmission.

Spotted: 6.7.2011 Nigeria’s Head of state, Goodluck Johnathan addresses the UN Security Council ‘Impact of HIV/AIDS epidemic on international peace and security’. This is just one of many stops the President will make whilst in the US…today[6.8.11], he met with President Obama and tomorrow[6.9.2011], he’ll be meeting with former US president, Bill Clinton to launch the Global Plan for the Elimination of HIV mother-to-child-transmission.

'Ex's are only friends if they're still in love or never truly loved at all'

Ok! Raise your hand if you are still close friends with an ex! OK…one, two, three, seven, eleven….nineteen…. Yup! Loads of you…sorry, US are still good friends with an ex or two. I may have taken mine to another level by working really hard to make sure that I remain friends with all my exes and I’m “happy” to say that I have achieved 99% success in this regard – there is the one ex that has dropped out of my radar; even in this age of social media she has remained incommunicado. Anyhow, this article does not focus on my failed relationships but rather on the influence that exes have in subsequent relationships.

In writing this I am aware of the argument that the idea that exes play a role in ongoing relationships might lie more with ex-girlfriends in the lives of guys; but I think it works the other way as well. Specifically I refer to cases where one reaches out to an ex for advice, counsel, comfort, companionship, etc even when one is in a new relationship. Here the boyfriend of girlfriend takes pains to keep from their current partner the fact that he or she is still reaching out to the ex. I find that this happens a lot, even in marriage. In marriage, the man still has access to his still single ex girlfriends but in the case of the married woman it is a lot harder for her to keep in touch with her still single ex boyfriends, except if the guy is married too. I think the explanation for this is that women tend to cut off contact with previous lovers when they move into a committed relationship. Men on the other hand are a lot less extreme in this regard. Another reason could be the variation in the definition of what constitutes cheating for men and women. Men generally see cheating as involving sex with someone other than your partner; while women see cheating as involving other things apart from just sex. Therefore, it would be easier for a guy to hook up with his ex for drinks, where they could catch up and chew the fat, than for a woman to do the same with her ex. The woman’s argument is that cheating can be emotional as well as physical. Guys aren’t exactly emotional creatures so they refuse to see sharing a problem with an ex as cheating. Truth is, a few of us find it easier to run to our exes when we have certain issues. These issues are problems that we are more comfortable discussing with our exes because we think that they are in a better position to help us. These issues could range from the mundane to the serious.

But why do we – men and women alike – still give a starring role to our exes in our lives? If they are that important or relevant why aren’t we still in a relationship with them? If we find it easy to call on them, why did we let them go in the first place? The reasons will vary. I find that the duration of the former relationship plays a role. The longer the relationship, the greater the tendency that the ex knows and understands us better than our current girl/boyfriends. Maybe the issues discussed are too sensitive to be discussed with the current squeeze. Sometimes the issues might have to do with our current partners especially when things are not going well. Inasmuch as talking about your current relationship and its problems with an ex is deemed wrong, or an act of betrayal, a number of people still do it! Maybe we do this in a bid to better understand our new partners since our exes are of the same sex and have the benefit of knowing us, and as such are in an excellent and somewhat objective position to help and advice. Or maybe we just need someone to complain and whine to.

What about just hanging out with an ex? Is that to be discouraged too? I do not know about you but I still enjoy the company of my exes, be it a face to face meeting or via phone calls, Facebook or chat messages. Truth is I believe in “once a girl/boyfriend, always a friend”. I try to make valuable friendships and relationships and as such my friends, including ex girlfriends are precious to me. For real, a few of my exes have bailed me out of bad situations before, offering life-saving advice and company. Some men (not sure about women though) go the seemingly insane extra mile of introducing their partners to their exes. Why? Let me hazard a guess and say that they are trying to make ex girlfriend a legitimate part of their lives; emphasis on “legitimate”. In all this one should learn to draw the line because it can be the easiest thing to cheat with an ex. After all, you know each other so well and have been there before. Hey, there have even been cases where exes hooked up again; realising each other’s value, after spending time with other people.

So I end this in making a case for the exes. If you guys still get along, no wahala as it doesn’t impugn on the progress of your current relationship. And er, before you say that I should practise what I preach, my partner is going to see a movie with her ex tomorrow! So there!

This article was written for Bella Naija by Tj O’karo.